it’s getting a little quiet lately
A month ago, I had dengue—
of course it was unplanned.
But that really shook everything out of me.
My life was not ready for me to take a pause.
I just came back from a week-long sabbatical on my birthday.
I had no choice.
I was hospitalized.
I was fighting for my dear life.
Even though my platelets didn’t drastically drop (thank God!)
I still had to endure a lot of symptoms.
I was really in pain.
Worst pain I ever experienced in my life.
But since my life is not prepared for me to pause. Everything fell apart. I didn’t realize I was the one holding it together. I failed to build the system to carry it. I was carrying it all. I was the one carrying the pressure. And I couldn’t even call it a rookie mistake, because obviously, it’s not.
A week after my hospitalization, I started questioning myself if I deserved to be back, and how I could pick things up. Honestly, even now, I’m still picking things up. I was not prepared for that pause. Mental health took a toll, finances took a toll, and my physical health took a toll. As a planner, my schedule is quite packed. I have so many things planned, trips planned, workout and fitness classes booked, especially rhythm cycling. And all my plans? Gone. Disrupted. Cancelled.
The planner in me was shook, but she couldn’t think about it anymore; she just fought for her life. I couldn’t even blame her. I had to give her grace. I had to give myself grace. And that’s the hardest part of that. I didn’t know how. Because everything fell apart.
I tried picking things up after my hospitalization.
I went to Zambales for the planned beach trip
The trip that had been planned way before I got hospitalized.
I showed up to my first cycling class
Right when the doctor told me I’m cleared for a workout again.
Honestly, I was still scared. Hesitant.
I experienced how my body really felt weak.
It’s not because I was just tired.
It’s not because I didn’t just want to push myself a little extra.
It was really weak.
—but I’m glad I did it.
My body surprised me. Even my instructor (lol!)
So nice of my instructor to check on me a few hours after the class,
just to really check if I’m still doing fine.
Because who the heck shows up on a cycling class
1 week post-hospitalization, right? HAHA!
My recovery was going smoothly.
I was picking things up efficiently.
As a former overachiever,
I wasn’t surprised, honestly.
Work is picking up, life is slowly picking up,
I even had back-to-back cycling classes.
Which I didn’t even do before I got dengue.
Who am I? Right?
I even hit PR twice in less than 1 month post-hosp.
if you know me in real life—yeah that was just the intro 😁
Obviously, based on that intro. Life was a little loud, a lot faster than I was ready for, but I was keeping up (as I normally would). But then all of a sudden, a long weekend happened. A normal Jea would plan so much on that weekend. Which I did (haha! See? Post-dengue isn’t a thing. I mean, I went to Liwliwa 4 days after being discharged from the hospital). So what I did was schedule a 3-day back-to-back cycling class because my go-to instructor just so happened to have back-to-back classes. And then told myself, I’ll end the long weekend by the beach to at least give myself a real relaxation.
If you guys don’t know, rhythm cycling could really boost your mood. Some people call it post-ride high because of the dopamine and endorphins that you can get out of each class. It still depends on the instructor if they match your rhythm. But as I said, it was my go-to instructor. The same instructor who checked up on me, so imagine the dopamine and endorphins that I’m getting for 3 days straight.
Then I went to the beach. Been under the sun. Saltwater. Relaxed in the water. As a former mermaid (LOL!)
And on my way back to reality, reality hit me.
I felt a little sad
a little lonely.
It’s like I was missing someone.
Someone from my past?
An ex?
I don’t know.
But one thing I know.
My heart felt a longing for someone—
for something.
To be held.
To be seen.
To be loved.
Not in a platonic way.
I remembered that at the end of all this constant noise
I have no one else to share things with
To share my achievements with
To call my someone, my home
To share the silence with.
And that felt lonely.
I thought I was missing an ex. I did a thorough mental check with all my exes to do an emotional check, and (thank God) I didn’t feel anything for them.
I was just really longing for a relationship. A companionship.
I haven’t fully talked about this publicly, but I really find it hard to date now.
Especially given how high capacity I am. Not just in work, not just in ministry, but in both.
With everything that I do in the corporate/business scene, I still find a way to make sure that I serve in church, I still do life with people, I still hang out with the church community, with my connect. And that’s hard to balance.
Dating pool is so small for a woman like me. And that makes it extra lonely.
SO YEAH.
That’s it.
I just want to express what I felt and how I felt over the past few days.
Maybe this is just hormones? A crash after the 3-day ride high + peaceful beach day?
I don’t know.
But despite what I feel. I am still not rushing. I’ll cry all I want. I will long for it all I want. But never will I settle (so help me God.)
Til my next entry!
With love,
Jea