the rhythm of returning

I have the weirdest relationship with physical fitness.
I was raised to be athletic to keep up with the family, but was not actually supported enough to pursue any sports.
Volleyball, badminton, table tennis, bowling, golf, swimming, taekwondo, dancing, and figure skating. I did it all. But I was never allowed to commit to one. I was not given a chance to balance it along with my studies.

No one knew in my childhood that I needed sufficient stimulation to manage my nervous system and effectively complete all my tasks. All of us, including me, thought that the physical activities could just distract me from my studies. Basically raised as a nerd, but refused to be one. Such a weird, messy middle to be at.

Told you. Messy middle. That’s totally me.

when I finally had my adult money (iykyk), I signed up for my first indoor cycling class. The thing that caught my attention was the lights, the music, and the fact that it is rhythm-based.

But being a corporate slave at such a young age, being consistent was hard for me. Or maybe I really struggle with consistency because of how I was brought up? 👀

the pandemic and lockdown happened. I have nothing else to do. I started home workouts and made them as fun as possible. Maybe let’s also add that my friends and I are trying to entertain ourselves by competing in a fitness challenge on Apple Watch, so we can get that extra motivation to work out. (I mean, as someone raised to be competitive and a high achiever, this was the perfect motivation at that time).

And I had additional motivation. I went through a breakup during lockdown in 2021. What did I do? Workout HAHAHA! No girl should be ugly after a breakup.

That’s when I discovered Gabriella Guevara on YouTube. She’s an online rhythm cycling instructor. And for the first time, I fell in love with indoor cycling. Despite the lack of lights and community, the fact that she has awesome playlists and awesome routines for her classes is already enough for me. This girl is based in Texas, and, as someone who worked the night shift, her US-based work meant her live classes were perfect for me. Oh! And I also got myself my own indoor bike. All thanks to Kumu. I would cycle daily. I became obsessed. With the motivation that, by the time the government lifts the restrictions, I can finally go back to the beach, I have my beach body ready.

Let’s also add the fact that I’m already starting to feel the burnout in work, so I can no longer add an additional stimulus to my overstimulated brain.

Life happened (as it normally would).
I wanted to go back to the studios, but I’m still grieving over Gabriella’s classes.
I tried some studios in Metro Manila, but I was still longing for that connection with her classes. I mean, yeah, she’s online, but can we just be for real? It’s really important to find your best fit cycling instructor. If it’s hard to find a match in a relationship and compatibility, the same goes for cycling. You need to be compatible with your cycling instructor. Otherwise, you won’t be motivated, you will feel depleted, and you will feel extra tired during a physically demanding activity like rhythm cycling.

I signed up for a 12:15 class in Ride Revolution Greenbelt. It was my first time in Nikki’s class (I was a little hesitant to try, but I was still willing to give Ride Rev a chance because I have a happy crush on one of their instructors LOL). But it wasn’t my first time trying out cycling studios in Makati at that time. I already tried Cyclehouse, and didn’t like it. Saddle Row is okay, but I’m still looking for that Gabriella connection (This isn’t a bad review. They’re okay. I was just really out of rhythm and motivation before. Now, I can go to any cycling studio and I’ll be fine. But still, Ride Rev is my bias! HAHA). So yeah, my first time in her class, and I already felt an inner confidence starting to come out. You know the feeling of coming out of class (whether I died on the bike or not), and being full of motivation. Eventually, indoor cyclists call it a post-ride high, but I didn’t know that yet during that time.

I tried returning in 2024, as finances are much more stable now. But my 2nd year in Favor College was intense. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t balance it. I was in survival mode most of the time. I don’t think returning to cycling was a top priority for me at that time. But I think that time, I had already made an acquaintance with Nikki. She can recognize me already, as I have been casually showing up in her classes for about 3 months, I believe? But I had to stop when I was in charge of the Counterculture Conference 2024. And since I had already lost the rhythm and motivation, I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t even do my casual runs around my house. I was really surviving.

Finished Favor College (Bible College). I am slowly going back to the reality of life. And that’s when I suddenly felt that I had to take care of my body. Actually, the conviction I got here was that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit.

I started resuming my regular health check-ups, and when I saw my updated weight after xxx amount of years, I knew I gotta start moving again. But this time, I was a little more gracious to myself. I am already aware at this point about my neurodivergence, which is why I signed up with ClassPass. I need a less committal gym membership.

I graduated in my 2nd year in August, and I’m back giving fitness another chance in the following month.

But the funny thing is, I knew I felt this wasn’t a seasonal thing anymore when I tried to be more well-rounded in my fitness programs. To the point that the first time I was able to show up in Nikki’s class was already in December. Obviously, I was taking my fitness journey much more seriously this time. I’ve been going regularly to Cyclehouse, Rave Studio, and Electric Studio. I also have gym times at Rockwell Atletica, Deverana Fitness, etc. But do you see the common denominator? A lot of rhythm cycling.

On my first time (again) in Nikki’s class. Basically, after a year. She recognized me. She knew I was gone for a year. And that “belongingness” sealed the deal. All the more, I became invested in cycling again.

What I didn’t realize back then was that rhythm cycling was never just about fitness for me.

It was one of the few places where my brain, body, emotions, and energy finally moved in the same direction.

The lights.
The music.
The choreography.
The beat drops.
The feeling of chasing rhythm instead of chasing perfection.

For someone who spent most of her life trying to force herself into systems that never fully fit her, rhythm cycling felt strangely natural.

I didn’t have to become less intense.
Less emotional.
Less energetic.
Less ambitious.
Less overstimulated.

For once, all of me was allowed in the room.

And maybe that’s why regular gyms never worked for me.

The gym felt like punishment.
Rhythm cycling felt like expression.

One made me hyperaware of suffering.
The other made me forget time existed.

And now, at 28, I’m starting to understand why I keep returning to it.

Not because I’m chasing a beach body again.
Not because I’m trying to survive heartbreak.
Not because I need to prove discipline.

But because movement is one of the ways I come back to myself.
Maybe that’s why rhythm cycling keeps finding me again.

Not as punishment.
Not as pressure.
Not as proof that I’m worthy if I become smaller.

But as rhythm.
As release.
As a place where my noisy brain finally quiets down long enough for me to hear myself again.

And maybe after years of living in survival mode, that kind of return is holy too.

is that I get to discover this about myself. Surprisingly, I found more motivation to show up after dengue. I was grieving about this lifestyle already when I was in the hospital. I was already asking God not to let it happen. And I’m just so glad that I am a daughter of a very intentional God. He didn’t just sustain, he redeemed. He even made me feel that what I am doing really matters to him, too.

In every Ride Rev moment, when the instructor turns the lights off, that’s my cue, I’ll speak to my dad, to my father in heaven, and get to reflect on how grateful I am for this new life. For being able to show up for myself. For him, refilling my cup so I can continuously pour out to people, to work, to the things I do.

More than anything, my workouts became my pocket moments with God. And I’m so grateful that he’s with me.

That’s all for now! Til next time!

With love,
Jea